My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
