you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
