Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
