I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
