Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
