I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
