imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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