he wants to bone in the snuggie
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My breasts were aching with rage.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
