She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
