life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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