I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
