No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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