nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Randomize
