when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Drunk is not a location!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
