she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
