I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
