I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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