My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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