Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Is it because I queefed?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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