I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
