You're a womanizer and a bitch.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
