Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
