If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
