I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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