My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
