Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
