Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
