Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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