There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
