You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
