Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
