the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
