apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
