i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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