I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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