Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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