You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
