I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
