Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
