God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
