the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
