also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
