I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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