Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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