yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
