I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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