It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
she told me i tasted like america
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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