Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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