I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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