Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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