Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
